Dec Forum Topic

~Mango's Forum Topic~

Hi this is Mango posting the forum topic of December (after the kind reminder of Jupiter..)

Thanks to Xinyi, as she offered suggestion to the topic cos I lost some direction.

Drumrolls.. the topic is:

Using real-life experiences and own judgement, do you think true friends should accommodate character flaws, or should openly raise the problem out so that the other party can change for the better?

你认为真正的知己是默默地包容或纵容你的缺点，还是公然提出你的缺点以便你改进？（请用生活中的经历来论证你的说法）

U all can use English or Chinese or both for ur argument. I shall start the drum rolling! Hope we can enjoy the process! No inference or personal attacks. :)

Date: 10/12/2007 Time: 4.08pm

Ok. First I will define what is the meaning of true friends. My own interpretation is they are friends who are honest and sincere to you, will stick to you through thick and thin, any problem you encounter you will approach them. They are our source of strength and pillar of support, especially when some things you can't talk to your parents.

To me, I think true friends should do both of the things listed: accomodate my flaws but offer me advice on how I can improve. This is so ironical right? Humans are full of contradiction.

Why we want friends to accomodate our flaws? It's because of pride. We don't want to change because we are afraid to lose our dignity. Also because of stubbornness. We may think so highly of ourselves and can't take in any criticism. In addition, there's an expectation. We expect true friends to tolerate us. 我们对知己已经有所期盼。那个人一定要对我们好，不然怎么能算是我的知己呢？Many people have this mindset. That makes it intolerable when we hear criticism from them. They are so close to us. Why must they say such things to hurt us? That's the normal reaction for most people.

忠言逆耳.. it makes it so difficult for true friends to offer advice. But I guess there are different ways to offer advices. We can try to advise by phrasing it in a good manner, good tone and with a genuine purpose. E.g. " I think you are near perfect, but if you can ..... (improvements) you will be getting along even better with others". Such ways definitely can tone down tensions.

We don't like friends to nag at us, even when their intention is good. So nagging is out. If possible, reduce sarcastic remarks too. Even when you are having negative emotions. Try to tell the other party their character flaws nicely. If everything is to no avail, then talk it out openly. I think it is irrational trying to bear all the frustration within ourselves. It won't solve the problem. But sometimes we care so much about our pride that we would rather keep the cold war than thrash it out. If the friend is hurt when we openly raise out the problem to them, we should cool down and talk it out. The friend who is advised should change for the better despite feeling angry. There's surely some problem if your true friend is angry with you right?

After saying all these, I support the argument that true friends should openly raise the problem out instead of keep accommodating. If we keep accommodating, the friend may take it for granted and will not change their bad habits. Of course, we should have a good judgement and way of advising to prevent conflicts from happening.

Ok.. anticipating more discussion! Feel free to oppose what I say. Freedom of speech in this forum. :)

Mango~