Depression period...

hi my friends.. it's 2.48am. I can't seem to fall asleep so I decided to come online and write something. Better than I keep the unhappy things in my heart. I tink there'll be a day when I will explode like a balloon.

I feel depressed and sad. Partly due to the rainy weather. Today there was an OGL meeting so I went to school. After that I felt unwell.. now got flu. Yesterday I cried myself to sleep. Cos I returned home late.. around 2.30am. Cos I went to my cousin's house. Then we ate dinner, played games, looked at old photos. Then chatted together till 11 plus when my aunt drove us home. She stopped my cousin and his wife at Downtown East cos they rented a room there for the time-being. Due to curiosity, we went to see his place. Then my cousin missed Durian very much cos UK dun haf. We drove to Geylang fruit stall to buy. So I reached home late. Before I left her house I alr told my mum I'm on the way. Handphone no batt so nv call again. As expected, I got scolded again. My mum even angry with my aunt for keeping me so long. So late it's unsafe 4 me etc... haiz. I noe she was worried but I noe how to protect myself. (juz took lift up) I wan freedom but at e same time I noe parents' restriction is sometimes good too.

Then my mum said I'm getting from bad to worse. But I went out with cousin loh! And so long nv see le. We are juz like sisters from young. I enjoy the time together, even though I'm being scolded. But my mum hurts me by saying " dun use my hp to sms. I dun haf such a daughter like u". Being a Leo, I have my pride and stubborness. I feel hurt. I dun understand why sometimes one incident can wipe off e good things u did to someone. I guess people only can remember faults. But I dunno whether wat I did was a terrible crime.

Reina said I'm raised in a very traditional family. I agree. But wat can I do to break off from that cycle? Undoubtedly, my parents love me a lot. But I always receive a lot of pressure from them. People tink I'm happy-go-lucky, smile a lot. I oso have my trouble. Juz tat I choose to hide. I choose to be optimistic. Like my brothers are so capable.. I have to be the same as them. Sometimes I'll ask myself if I really wanna be in uni. I mean I dun even noe wat I wanna do in future. Do I really like Chinese? Or juz study tat to get a degree?

I tink xianhao noe how traditional my family is. Guys call I'll be in trouble. Let alone if my mum noe if I'm in a relationship. But not all relationships are the stereotypical ones. Like dun study.. results become worse etc. I noe I can haf a healthy relationship. Cos I didn't let it affect my A levels. But now I feel I'm weak to carry it on. Sometimes I feel like giving up. But there's always encouragement from him or a silent voice telling me tat I must not.

Life's tough isn't it?
I feel like screaming at the sea. It's really comfortable. Xianhao, I hope we will get over this tough period together. I must carry on with life. I must live it well and show my parents how good their daughter is. I wan them to be proud of me.

Mango~(diary)